What to do, what to do...

I know what to do. Going through the motions is easy. Really feeling the outcome of the decision is hard. What do you do when you see you family slowly falling apart? Not me and my hubby. My sibs, some of them anyway. I understand what prompted the split, but how far does one take it?

After a bad breakup a few years ago, a mutual friend of my ex & I, shunned me. He didn't know my side, however wrong I might have been, the reasoning wasn't one sided, I was not the only bad guy. But, he went with the 'bros before hos' mentality, even though he and I knew each other before my ex knew him, granted it was scant weeks before.
I know something of betrayal, however mild.
Not talking to the offender/betrayer, not confronting them, just deciding to be 'finished' is that enough for you? I know that I didn't try my hardest to clear up my situation. But it's years in the past. The offender/betrayer wouldn't even know what I was talking about should I bring it up. So there'd be no resolution. I've let it go. The hurt that was caused me at the time matters not. I've tied my life to another and he's never hurt me or betrayed me. That's all that matters.

"Nobody's Home"

Quotations because it's a song title. One in particular by Ulrich Schnauss; I listened to it for 30-40 times repeated. It got me thinking...does your music of choice send you somewhere? I don't mean physically, not me personally anyway. But, does your music send you to memories, places you've visited, places or concepts you wish to know intimately? I've got to say that "Nobody's Home" is an accurate description of me most all day, however the song itself does send me elsewhere. Further into the books I read, the fantasies I create and get lost in. Prior to getting a miscellaneous mp3 player years back, I hadn't realized just how entertaining a 'soundtrack to my life' was. Granted I don't always utilize the player whilst traveling, but I find that trips wherever are significantly shorter or less burdensome because I can tune out that much more.
Music helps me feel more and/or less connected to this world. More because I don't dwell on the emptiness that sometimes encroaches on my everyday life. Less because I can drift away for difficult realities for a little while, or drift and observe rather than own hard experiences.

Fuckin Nuts

That's the way I feel anyway. Like I'm bouncing off the walls. Like I wanna hide. Probably had way too much sugar and caffeine today and the last couple of weeks. I've been 'overdosing' on those two poison for awhile now. I need to get it together.
My self-imposed/inflicted dilemma is: do I bust my ass trying to get a job in a struggling economy with skills not terribly different from the other schmoes on the job market and likely fail or do I continue to be and get more overweight from inactivity?
I'm, give or take, 20 lbs heavier than 2+ years ago. That's when I was working last. I heavy enough that my dad has pointed out, much to my horror (well I had noticed it prior, so not that horrible) that my belly now sticks out farther than my boobs. I'm not evenly 'fat', it's just my belly; very unhealthy.
Now, perhaps this is why I feels so chaotic.
Dear Me, when did the "only indulge in pop/caffeine on the weekends" take a hike?
Dear Me, when had swimming become a favorite activity to talk about rather than do?
(My husband pointed out that I likely "fell out of it" because he stopped joining me in the activity, not a true valid excuse to stop, but a explanation.)
Dear Me, when did being unemployed become so much more enticing than being a contributing member of society?

I so enjoy reading, and internet surfing and playing games, computer and console. But when did other activities become shunned and uninteresting?
WTF is wrong with me? I think about that...I'm sure that crosses everyone's mind at some point in their lives.
I wrote a journal entry a couple of nights ago (more like early morning roughly 2AM-3ishAM) about many a topic/concern. All self inflicted and I think I'll like transfer the written entry to this medium. Honestly, though I'm not sure, I still think I should complete the cleansing process and burn the pages (yes pages, 2 of them, front and back, of me crying and carrying on, so blah!)
I, then left said entry in plain view. I don't hide my indignities and worries from my hubby, I'd rather not worry him for things I bring on myself. But being married, scratched that, being able to read each other the way we can, I'd not be able to hide the pain and frustration from him long. For while I can smile and speak as though nothing's amiss, my eyes never lie. I can't hide that it.
So, the entry...I guess I'm still bugged by the contents/concerns. I'd thought that getting them out, spending time with my family yesterday and the day before would heal some of the problems, or at the very least give me other POVs to take a look-see at. No, I'm still bummed about my, as I said, self-inflicted troubles. I no longer feel like crying, I'm wondering if that was just hormonal BS, the crying I mean; not the worries.
I feel like my life is at a stand still. I was working. I wanted to keeping working at the locksmith. I ended up at Old Navy, like I went to UIC, just long enough to say 'Fuck this!' Do I go to school? A trade school of sorts? Do I go back to college or a university? Do I try to work part time and some place I slowly but surely come to hate? Shall I devote me time to exercising? Do I volunteer? Do I focus on house-wifely work? Do I hide? Because honestly, with the troubles of the last two days with monetary decisions with seemly simple choices needed, turn into troubles for Joe that make me feel more desperate to hide and be done with all this shit. I'm not bringing in funds, I'm a dead beat. I'm not trying to ask for shit I don't need and can't afford, but dammit, just gotta have. I'm trying to do the best by what we can afford.
I want to hide from want..I want clothes and shoes and makeup and electronics and books and appliances and slews of junk that my TV and radio and the internet say are really cool and 'don't I just gotta get it for such and such an occasion'. No, I don't want to want it, because as soon as I get the latest and greatest 'fill-in-the-blank', the next generation will be out faster than I can turn around, faster than I can take my next breath. I want, I want, I want...
...Lost my immediate train of thought...
Aha?!
I want to hide. I don't want to take in anymore media telling me what I 'need' next
Wow this turned into shit real fast. Guess I just need to get out that retarded brain child (or mental diarrhea).
But I suppose this frenzied feeling I just can seem to shake loose all goes back to my weight and inactivity. An inability to find balance...just yet?
How does one find balance in a materialistic world lacking adequate funds to make owning a reality?

Useless/Mindless Raving

So I'm creating a ring tone for my own number on my husband's phone. He's got a Google phone and has downloaded an app that creates ring tones from music files. So I select a portion of a favorite song and voila: he has a ring tone that reflects me and one loud enough for him to hear me when I call him.
So...I'm excited about the possibilities on my own phone. I would no longer feel compelled to purchase ring tones. No longer be bound to our service provider's own ring tone store.
I downloaded a ring tone creator. I don't yet know how awesome or lame is may be. Why? It can only handle file formats I don't regularly use. Now, I know that my .m4a's on iTunes can be changed to compatible formats for the program (provided that there weren't purchased on iTunes and thus a protected format I have no interest in breaking to use for my own purpose. I'm not going to sell or spread around endless copies of purchased media. I want the song for ring tone (i.e. personal use only) purposes. That said, the mindless and/or useless raving is for this: I have all the songs I could want for various contacts ring tones, but I have to change the formats of said files to do so? Honestly it's not a big deal, this should be totally within my abilities to do. But why can't I just get software that can handle .m4a formats as is?

Little bit of everything...

Thinking of others posts and notes (FB) and wondering if I fall into categories people wish to avoid.
I space out so easily. I hope no one thinks I'm ignoring them. Though I think perhaps what I do may be worse. I don't care one way or the other. Or more like, I hope everyone of my friends and acquaintances are having as good a life as possibly in their reach, but no, I don't need to be updated or included. I suppose that's what make FB so agreeable with this reclusive person (me). I can go to your page and look to see if you're married, engaged, enjoying watching your little ones grow, or dealing with college and there after. We don't have to interact. I'm very aware of my socially retarded self. It's not meant to hurt, no maliciousness intended. That's not to say that I don't say stupid, insensitive things, but they're never intended to damage. I just don't have an tact and thus would rather not talk, than inflict needless hurts.
But I think I just fell off topic...
I remember a myspace bulletin going around, few months back, saying something along the lines of "if I don't see this come back" or "if you don't post this anew" then we're not friends and I'm going to delete our "myspace link". I think this is silly. I'm not much of a myspace fan, but I have buddies on both popular networking sites, and once friended I don't interact much with. It's not that I don't want to work on the relationship or that I don't care. We've graduated HS or college, or have gotten new jobs and grown up and apart. Our lives are different. I want to keep in touch a little bit, but not like previous interaction. And not cause this or that person is not worth it but because our lives aren't so parallel as they once were. So..have a good life, enjoy your fortune of life, love, or money, whatever you're striding for. Leave the silly stuff behind, stress yourself less.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Been thinking about life. More so now, because of new family connections brought on my wonderful husband. I've blood kin, very much in my life, but this new connection is so right. I didn't know I was missing it until it fell into place.
How wonderful to be included. I grew up in a loving family, unconditional love. So I am capable of loving other unconditionally. Seeing as how people are not that different. My faults and those of others are not so different. So if I judge before I know the beauty in others, that's my loss.
J&E are family. Wonderful, lovable people, I look forward to knowing better.
T&J are family. Blood-kin and spouse. Wonderful, lovable people.
I want to include them in any and all activities that bring joy and laughter and love into their lives. I want to include.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Stress has been creeping into my life. Unavoidable, I know. Stressful because of the frustrating factor. Knowing what's awry, and not being able to fix it or even knowing how to fix it. I'm not complaining, though it may seem as such. But stress has a way of getting to your loved ones; I mean my husband. So I talked to him about it, and was given a great gift in his point of view.
So I'll remain a sounding board to those who need it, I will continue to listen. But if things are going to get resolved they will. Or they won't. And I'll give my two cents if I'm asked; if I'm not, then I won't. But I'll observe and try to remain unstressed until something can be done. I'll help if I can. I won't throw fuel of the flames. I'll defend those who need it.

Frightful dreams?

Perhaps to you the reader, so beware.
Among the many dreams I experienced yesterday morning, the one that stands out in my mind, was the one where escape was going to be had by any means necessary. I don't remember the specifics of the dream, other than plants or plant like plagues were chasing or attacking/swarming 'us'. I don't remember who us was, I don't remember what was 'enemy' in any detail, only that there was an enemy. Any running around that was done, was very much like a zombie flick atmosphere, except for the fear. Getting away was our only thought, however it was done, but no fear, no real cause for concern, only our task needed to be fulfilled, i.e. escape. Now, I say beware at the very beginning because I remember telling a companion to "shoot me in the head" if no other escape is optional. But like I said, no fear, none. I don't remember being startled or dreading the need for that particular escape route. Only know that the way the enemy got a hold of you seemed more frightening or painful that being shot in the head. Now, if the "shoot me" part wasn't bad enough, the being ready for it. I was shot. By a companion. And the reason for this whole entry is because of the sensation of the bullet. Yes, I remember feeling a minor pinch, like when you pop a pimple too early, but minor pain and then nothing. The dream turned to another very active dream, I don't remember what, but active.
So I blog because I find the pain before the 'nothing' (and eventually the change of dreams) so very fascinating.
I admit, I'm fascinated (in general) about death. No I'm not suicidal, simply fascinated is all.

Upset

FUCK!
OK, just need to get that out. I've been trying to get healthier, make the baby making plan closer to a reality by laying off the caffeine. It's really the only addictive thing I go after, no cigs or alcohol fortunately. I thought that I was being good, no caffeine for a month, I know that a small time frame, but you gotta start somewhere right? Anyway, that is not the case. I let myself think that because Sunkist isn't brown, that it would then lack caffeine. Spite's not brown & no caffeine. This was my logic. I was doing research on the web regarding caffeinated edibles and caffeine's possible role in miscarriages. Sunkist is in fact about as caffeinated as the drinks I've been abstaining from. Sunkist is more like Mountain Dew, in that neither are brown and quite caffeinated. Damn! But anyway, I've learned from this and will check product labels from here on out.
So yeah, I goofed. But I'm rather fortunate, that I've caught it so early. I had Sunkist for 3 of the last 4 weeks of my "month". Oh well back to square one. And that's the "Upset" part, I'm not mad at myself and not overly stressed out, just upset that I've been on caffeine most of the time and didn't pay attention to the symptoms. Though part of the reason I didn't notice was likely due to being exhausted often while I was away at Royal Horse Ranch.

Getting lost again

Still awake, doing it again. Getting lost again, though thankfully not feeling lost regarding what i should do with my life. I, just now, got lost in the internets/puter. But lately, I've been getting lost in my own head, having trouble remembering what conversations happened with who & about what. Trying to read, browse the web, watch TV and/or listen to music all simultaneously and getting confused about the content I've jumped to not being the same as what I'd just finished with
Spacing out in conversations I'm interested in. For it's one thing to be bored & space out as a result, quite another to do so in convos one finds interesting & entertaining. Perhaps it's simply stress over finances, insurance, & future plans: Should we buy a house or co-op with T&Y in a 2Flat similar to my parents' & uncle's situation, will we have enough money to keep up w/mortgage payments. I'm quite willing to work if need be, but would like to be a stay at home mommy when the time comes.

I guess I'm still feeling overwhelmed as well I know I'm not the youngest bride on the planet, nor am I in an unusually young age bracket, but I still feel a sense of 'I'm going too fast, I'm rushing things and perhaps this time around these emotions come to mind while I'm still very much awake. I'm feeling downright panicky. I'm 25, I'm young, should I be trying to have kids so soon, should I have taken more time to decide, I'm feeling rather ill & dizzy.

Anger

I've been reading the HP series in anticipation for the upcoming movie. "Want to be up to snuff."
It seems that Snape is often angered. Made me think, I don't know that I really understand "angry", don't get me wrong, I'm sure I've been angry often. But I'm more likely to become frustrated and irritated. Not angry. I'll internalize a great deal when truly stressed. But angry, not often, then again, some of my more spectacular fights with my ex seemed closer to rage than anger.
When pushed to far or hard, I feel almost gleefully into rage. But so anger is a confusing emotion to me. Happiness, joy, sadness, and many aspects in between, are more easily understood; not anger.
And how can someone be angry all the time, is it more anguish that become aggressive? Or great, constant physical pain turned into aggressive actions toward other? Or simply a desired state of being? Something one has found to be their simplest form of a livelihood. I don't get anger, I've seen many facets(?) of it. Behaving spitefully, is this a form of anger? Being malicious?
I like to believe that I don't truly hate anyone. Hate being the polar opposite of love. You think about parents or sibs, you're spouse/partner, think of what they're doing, of what you'll be doing later in the day. That kind of constant effort is difficult, with regards to hating someone. It's easy to love someone, or many. However to hate anyone, that sort of constant vigilance, is tiresome. To think about something or someone all day everyday in a negative way, NO THANK YOU.
But so, back to my original point, maybe I don't understand anger, because I don't hate. (I try not to, anyway.

Dream Advice

Normally I just enjoy the dreams I have, write them down (or blog 'em) to remember them.
But last night/early morning, seems my unconscious may be trying to tell me something more concrete. I was sitting at a picnic bench with a slew of friends, all telling me I should choose something. Go back to school and do something with my life. Now, awake, I realize that I am doing plenty, with my life, to make me happy. That's the important part. But the night before, I was having a minor/mini panic attack or something. Not sure it could truly be an attack, just a realization. I'm no longer clear of the particular emotions I was experiencing. I was daunted by the prospect of motherhood. I felt like the decision to do it so soon was wrong or weird. I'm only 25. I'm not ready for this, I'm feeling excited and anxious. I know every possible parent out there likely goes through similar doubts and anxieties. But it was as though I had forgotten how wrong it was for me to have decided that I want kids and soon. How did I come to feel like that last night? Now I know it can't precisely be called a panic attack however minor, because I was still falling asleep as I was thinking of how preposterous the notion of me breeding was.
I imagine the dream was brought on by the emotions prior to sleeping.
The emotions were extraordinarily clear, then. I felt overwhelmed at my decision. They were along the lines of "I shouldn't have been married so quickly, I shouldn't be planning to have a baby so quickly, I should be enjoying my 'individual' life far longer." I don't regret getting married. I don't intend to back down from having kids. The emotions just sort of came out of nowhere and I had the urge to record them before I forgot.
I have moments of clarity in both directions it would seem. Extraordinarily happy and good, and so mighty negative moments as well.

Noise=Music (for me, truly)

I'm listening to "「初音ミク」 livetune feat Hatsune Miku - Last Night, Good Night" on youtube
It's from Vocaloid. Hatsune Miku is the more popular 'voice' of the program.
But anyway, my point is most of my music falls into the electronic(a) genre. Vocaloid renditions of songs are more like that of computer generated "noises" in my favorite songs. Particularly since I listen to a lot of J-Pop and some K-Pop tunes, I don't understand the words and so the vocals become another instrument. Recently, my favorite songs have been Vocaloid tunes, the Japanese versions. I tried to listen to the English songs done in the Miriam & Prima voices offered with Vocaloid 2, can't do it. For although I listen to "noise" (as my brother so eloquently put it, as well as others) I'm apparently very picky about what noise I like and don't.
That's the point is it not? To be able to browse the grand selection of music out there, and pick and choice what warms your heart, sings to your soul, give you inspiration, and makes you dance; and be god damned picky about it.
I've lost the irritation at those who would label my music noise or worthless/not music. It wasn't made for them. I was made for me and others like me.
Music is one of those very personal things, I think. Like that of religion and politics, people can get so heated about what they think is quality and what they think is crap. I've tried to listen to Joe's fav music, my sibs, yet to try punk, I'll try, definitely. I've tried to listen to random genres was browsing iTunes, tried to get into others' shoes, hear what they hear. I can't electronic(a) is my match. Granted I listen to other genres occasionally, some of my favorite songs are country, rock, indie, most everything. Electronic(a) is just mine.

Dreams (4/24/08: AM)

Imma stop identifying my dreams as strange. Apparently there all surreal, or so my older sister tells me. Anyway...
The first POV I experience is some higher consciousness controlling the world's weather patterns and something about trying to keep said control. Whilst the human try to get around it. I don't know if the humans understand that an intelligence is responsible for the occurrences and the damage. But the intelligence(s) are discusses how to continue to foil 'our' plans by means of a grand reset. All the while I'm witnessing the discussion I'm seeing cloud patterns and dust clouds and massive physics at works.
Suddenly, I'm back to 'normal' on the ground. I'm in a park like setting the streets and neighbor around Indian Boundary Park. But no apartment buildings, there beautiful but there gone apparently. Instead I'm in suburbia. But people seem to be rebound for some forceful enough gales to roll their homes outta the ground, intact. The ground is sloped, and the houses roll back in place. Looks hilarious in retrospect, in the dream no one's laughing. I remember climbing a tree in hopes of safely escaping the next gale. I do escape it, until a 'neighbor's' car runs right into its base and the tree and I topple right over. While everyone is reacting and recovering, we see the horizon being blow about with the greatest of ease. There is now a hurricane bearing down on us. It's at such a distance that one should be safe, evacuating would be the best precaution as its on its way. But instead we choose our garage to hunker down and hope for the best. I remember little ones with my dad and myself. People, I'm quite sure now, not related to me or anyone I know. But he & I are grouping them together in the garage. Kissing our asses goodbye. Or rather as were 'getting' comfortable, I insist on a kiss goodbye from everyone. We're huddled there freaking out, when a neighbor appears, the very one that knocked my tree down. He's saying that in the pass he'd leave his horse in his garage and when he came back after the storm, the horse was always safe and sound. Now why his garage would be any better protection than the one we're already in, I have no idea. But we hear this, we leave the garage and go running down the alleyway (in suburbia, what?) to another garage. 'I' run to the first open one I see and promptly get disappointed and freaked out, it's hinge aren't connected. How is that gonna protect better than ours. It's the wrong one of course, I didn't wait for anyone, they've all gotten to the right one.
I'm fuzzy on the next part, I've started to wake by then. But there's something like an indoor hobby sort of aquarium set up complete with sardines and dolphins (WTF?)

Looking back, things were all screwed up, the overall dream made no sense obviously, but our first choice garage was filled with water, at least on the outer rim (?) the inside clear of it. Though the alley was clear, I remember rain. I'd almost forgotten by that point of the dream that the hurricane was a creation of the super powers I saw earlier.

There's more dream, but it's shifted dramatically. I'm fuzzy about most of it. I know it was a "Devil Wears Prada" setup. I was one of the assistants. And I was making decisions, so that was a dream.

Ixnay

Was re-reading some of my post. The marriage one in particular. He and I did get married, informally(?) at a downtown Chicago court house with family and friends. The originally supposed more formal, more inclusive (of the rest of the family and friends) was to be rather soon, later on this month or next. Never mind that, we don't have the funds to do so. On the other hand, my mother suggested we do a party at their new apartment, cook the food ourselves, do our own decorations and so on. I just don't see that in the future. When I'm pregnant, I want a baby shower, complete with games and party. Cause we will need help getting things ready for the new arrival. But, no more formal wedding party. Not really our thing I don't think, I was excited about it, the more traditional aspects of it inspire me. Like my dad giving me away, and friends and family galore, my parents meeting my hubby's mother, my grandparents there and as many close friends as could make it. But the finances do put a bit of a damper on planning. Oh well...c'est la vie.

A-OK

Gotta love North Shore Hosp. They've a network where patients can sign in to make appointments, or change them, ask the staff medical questions, or check on lab results. I just did the last. Got the blood drawn yesterday, and the results today. Everything's in "normal" limits. Just need to get on track with the pre-natal vitamins, let go of the caffeine, and start exercising.

Happy 420 All!

Happy 420 All!

Haters need to redirect their energy, seriously.

Looking through pop culture including J&K+8 (one of my favorite shows) and the nit-picking that goes along with it. I understand that if you place yourself in the lime light that ridicule will follow but all the haters out there (and not just of J&K) need to stop for a moment and look inside. Is everything alright in your life: do you conduct yourself the way you wish others to conduct themselves? do you realize that, while they may be hurt themselves and/or their family/friends/associates, you yourself are not being harmed? do you realize you have the ability to turn away and be interested or occupied by something else?
I understand the wish to help those in need, those who struggle. Do you ask yourself are they really the ones that need the help? I for one can think of many things to turn my attention to, to occupy myself with causes and cares that would benefit both parties.
This goes back to one of my other posts, I suppose. The fear of differences. I admit that there are shows & happenings that are distasteful to me. However, should I wish to poke my nose in them, should I try to repair "damage" I may be seeing or think I see, would I really be able to fix anything? And even if I did fix said "damage" would it benefit or increase quality of life or would I just create stress with my point of view? For my POV is just that, mine. I'm sure it's shared by many more people than I can realize. That said, I feel pity for those who critique the people rather than perhaps the show.

Besides we make mistakes, for lack of a better phrase "Shit happens."

Randomization (real word?)

I don't blog more regularly because I'm everywhere always. As I type, I'm listening to Lily Allen - The Fear (Stonebridge Explicit Radio Edit) on youtube, looking up chicken quesadilla recipes and rice cooker prices through Google in separate windows, and this blog. I jump around to frequently to stay inspired enough to blog. And the thing is, I used to blog, lots. I'm listening to music on Comcast as well, so I'm finding more stuff to download. Good thing I have an external HD. Oh, want that song to, Robyn - Cobrastyle (The Touch Remix). And if iTunes doesn't have it, well I will get it.
Just got the whole Sailormoon series, a few days ago. I've yet to start watching it. Got lotsa other anime that I haven't gotten around to. Not with online readable (word?) manga, so I don't have to wait for fruits basket to be finished and all of them out, I'm still gonna collect the books, love the series. Me wants a PS3 so's I can play Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection, Mirror's Edge, and whenever FF13 and FF13 Versus comes out. I'm listening to The Fear this whole time and the line "I'm a weapon of massive consumption" is totally appropriate as I'm thinking of all the things I want.
Just got a slow cooker/crock pot. Hoping that'll help encourage healthy behaviors and more recipe tinkering. The hubby and I use a McCormick seasoning packet to make chili, we weren't fully prepared, but it came out ok. I'm really liking cooking. I haven't poisoned him yet, lol.
I just need more practice and I'll know what to buy when going on grocery shopping trips, with or without a list.
That's gotta be the best part of my day, too. When Joe comes home from work to find that not only is dinner ready but there's variety. I usually try to get a salad ready with the meal and maybe some biscuits or corn bread, whatever fits. I find that I like to cook and bake. So I enjoy myself in the process and I get to satisfy him simultaneously. Cool Beans.
Ooh, pop ups about schools..."Think you're too busy to go back to school?" Nope, not in the least, I'm too fucking lazy, and I knows it. Those bug me, though I suppose if I just suck it up and go, to a trade school or the like I wouldn't roll my eyes at the ads. Nothing against educated peoples, more power to 'em, just the institutions are annoying in their insistence.
I'm obsessed with Twitter. I'm sure I'm not alone. I've downloaded more than a few of its programs. And I find that I'm less inhibited about post my status about little and ridiculous things, whereas with Facebook I try to do so less frequently, so as not to pollute my friends news feeds. But twitter is just status updates and pics, I think. So update away. The twitterfox is a bit wacked though, my input is displayed to me as an update, wtf for?

Obsession: The Sims

I've been obsessed with The Sims 2 set. I've been playing almost none stop for several days. I'll play well into the night.
I love the toddler stage most. They've toys to build their skills up (logic, mechanical, charisma, & creativity). The toy with different shape cutouts and corresponding block to push through is prolly my favorite activity to watch them try, for when their frustrated they make the cutest whining noises. But they're cute in everything the do. Diaper changes involved objections to such treatment. They'll play in the toilet if no toys are present. They walk cute. And while the adults can snuggle them, they huggle each other and whatever big dogs your Sim family has. It confused me that though they can learn to walk the stairs remain an obstacle that can overcome, now I wouldn't want my flesh and blood toddler to attempt stairs unwatched, but I still let them try with me right behind/in front of them. Oh well, perhaps they'll be able in The Sims 3 (out this June; I'm so excited)

Non-Anon & Heath

So I guess this blog has lost some (Ha! more like ALL) of it's direction. I had thought to make it a collection of thoughts, feelings, anxieties, etc regarding my wish to get healthy enough for baby making. I had also thought to make this blog somewhat anonymous, I think two people know of the blog through my direction, using him or mine rather than naming and other such runarounds. Well I think I'm finished with the anon aspect. When I want to it again I'll go "lurk moar" on the *chans. I'll not start using people's name with abandon for fear of consequences from or towards them. But my husband deserves to be identified as such when I'm talking about him.
And as to the healthy enough to have children I'm getting there. Just had a doctor's appointment, a few day's ago. Just got my blood tests an hour ago (about 10:30A) at an outpatient center my mom recommended for just that purpose. So far so go. Now the hard part, a good diet. I'm a sugar and caffeine fiend. I understand that balance and exercise are important. But theory is one thing, practice quite another. As I type, I have a Mountain Dew Voltage to my left.
I understand I need to get healthy. I need to swim (my favored choice of exercise), I need to eat right, I need to stop bingeing on sleep.

So anyway, this blog will likely become a random catch all. Whenever I feel inspired to blog, it will go here. Something catches my attention or obsessions will go here.
Nice and random, like some of my favorite shows.

Included

I don't vote, I'm not an activist. There are causes upon causes that I'd volunteer for, but get bogged down. I have compassion for the world, I wish I could include everyone in a little love and warmth. How can reality be so harsh. Everyone so alone and so much the same, how can it be so hard. So lonely. I want to heal the world, I want to fix the world. Why do we make enemies of each other? Our ideologies are different so we have things to discuss, to make the world a more colorful place, more lively and entertaining... So then, where did the violence and the misunderstanding and the fear come from. For all the languages present and accepted, why can't our different words and expressions for all our many ideologies and opinions and faiths and beliefs also be accepted?
I came upon this thought pattern much earlier today and was inspired to transfer it here by music.
I was thinking to myself, Iraq is very much present in most American's mind. Mostly negative I imagine. Like get our troops out or for the very fearful and close minded: bomb that sucker flat and forget about.
The former sentiment is more to my thinking, however, I came upon the thoughts of: why can't we see eye to eye. On the remote chance that I could travel the world, it would be amazing to greet any and everybody with a smile and a mind-set "We are the same."
I wasn't raised religiously, perhaps spiritually. I wasn't part of a "club" of sorts, where people could be excluded if they didn't fit the mold. So I stride toward seeing everyone in the same light.
"We" are not that different. I have the same insecurities, doubts, troubles, dream, hopes, happiness as anyone I lay eyes upon. I may not know the details involved, but I know they run along the same lines.
Our struggles arise from fear. At least we have that in common.

frantic?

I've ditched the birth control 2 weeks ahead of my intended "schedule", and feel a little frantic for it. I've taken it for 5 years, that's a long time for my young life. But I do want kids, I'm just being neurotic. I miss having a job, being unemployed seemed the better option after Old Navy, but now I'm feeling spooky? nervous? neurotic...having hours of free time and no structure, self-imposed or otherwise is crazy-making. I need to start volunteering or applying to jobs that I can tolerate, or utilize the Y like I want to anyway. Keeping my body in better shape will keep my mind occupied, cause I do enjoy swimming and the exertion will make me feel emotionally more stable than this past week. My husband been very patience and understanding, but he needs to sleep and ignore me ass when I being a basket case for no better reason than my own self-imposed inactivity.
This past week's end and weekend (Friday & Saturday) was wonderful. I was hired by my uncle to help with an annual dinner party. So the assisting and the party itself was a wonder. My mind occupied and my body to a lesser degree (bags of ice aren't heavy enough to exhaust me, damn)
I need to get on a better diet track, more meals I make myself from known ingredients, less artificial, more organic...perhaps.

Strange Dreams (01-06-2009)

first thing i remember is trying to escape from a underground facility, or at least i believe it to be. there are others with me. we've all been experimented on, this is know. perhaps it's a storage house, there are pipes hanging from the ceiling. "we" are running back and forth looking for a way out. there's a panic about us, frantic. i never learn why we need to get out, only that it's "our" goal. there's a second floor or maybe a ground floor that we get to, seems another has just been experimented on and coming to join "us", it terrifies me, it sounds like twisting, collapsing metal. and then a man comes up the spiral staircase. overweight, but as normal as the rest of us. he's focusing on me, did he know i was terrified, anticipating the worse? or...
he knows i need to escape. to get back to my husband. i'm crying,crumpled to the ground, worrying that he may be gone if & when i reach home. fearing for me and gone to find me.
"we" do escape. on purpose or carelessness, we know not. but doors have been flung open, we on the ground floor of a great warehouse. darkness confused our befuddled minds. we become I. though i find i'm being chased by a man. younger, slimmer, more determined to talk with me. telling me to give up? i don't remember the conversation. only that he followed me all the way "home". now i know what the experiments outcome was. i flew home, granted it was more like swimming and no more than a foot off the ground. the determined man right behind me, chatting endlessly about how i should cease my quest and come back to the others. seems the "building" was in downtown and home was far north, but suburban. i never did shake off the pursuer, though he didn't have much to stop me and i never did get home. I woke up.