To be or not to be...

An activist? Cliche and lame, yeah I know. Be really, I've been toying with the idea of activism and/or volunteering. I rarely, if ever, watch the morning news. They report about the atrocities going on, and I can help but think...really, this is what my fellow human think is worth their time? The killings, the destroyed lives, the major and minor wrong doings; the attempts to control every facet of others lives. I don't get it; isn't one's life busy and full enough without turning around and nit-picking others?

So, my confusion has started to inspired my wish to interfere with those who interfere with malicious intent.

I don't even know where to begin. Do I volunteer at a shelter, animal or otherwise? Do I try to intern at a local political center?

Or...

do I just watch the world go by, doing it's idiotic dance of control or attempt to control others?

For while I do not dispute that change can occur, were you determined enough to enact it, more problems arise to replace the positive changes.

How can one cope? I fight and change occurs; truth and justice surface. One down, a million and more to go? How can I possibly focus on one issue? We are bogged down by so much wrong; makes me wonder if we can ever rise above the petty bull and reach a more level headed society.
More level headed and moral. How about a justice system that realizes that the human race has a lot of negative behavior patterns? That no longer holds themselves to an ideal that is often impossible to reach and/or maintain.

Ugh...

I hate cranberry juice.

Strange title to be sure, but I do hate the stuff. I say it because I'm in the process of finishing a 2L bottle to myself. I'm self-medicating, for I believe I have a (an?) UTI. The second one in less than a month. I, understandably, feel frustrated. It's nearly 2 in the morning and I'm full of juice. I feel a little better, but not likely to get total relief for weeks as my doctor's schedule in rather fuller than I'm use to. Good for her, bad for me.
So a UTI is not a huge deal, uncomfortable surely, but worth a blog post? Well, I blog because I feel like I'm retaliating against myself. I think I wanna go to school, but when I really get down to it, searching for a school, investigating financial aid, visiting schools and such, I get 'cold feet' so to speak. I chicken out. Either, I reschedule and reschedule or I get sick.
That or I've so warped and wrapped myself up in this wanting to get/to be pregnant idea, that I am not and have not got pregnant so I'm gone punish my body for not get with my mind program.
I'm sure this is hard to read and I don't care. I'm outta practice or just not flowing well.
School or failure to get pregnant are causing me to retaliated/punish myself.
And other than feeling frustrated or tired, I don't have much of a reaction.
In the past, a negative pregnancy test, when I was so sure it would be positive, would reduce me to tears. Now, I'm pretty much of the mind, that I'm never going to get pregnant. I want it so bad, that it's just not going to happen. So, no more worries, no more spending money on the tests I already know the answer to.
I hate cranberry juice.

In a bubble...

That's what my awareness feels like. I'm locked away, by my own doings. I remain in my bubble and watch the world around me. I seldom interact with those I love and care for outside of my close knit (& immediate) family. I find myself amused or awestruck by the comings and goings of everyday life and all their ventures. But, though I wish, or think I wish to join them, I rarely do. I find myself imitating friends and family and just when I reach the threshold, just when I feel myself inspired enough to reach out...I don't.
I've called myself socially retarded. Joe disagrees, saying that I've gotten better at interacting at our parties/poker games. But, I still feel hugely inept at life. I know everyone has their own awkward moments to deal with. I don't fear going out of the house, I don't fear family functions. I do wish to include myself in my family's activities. I think I do, anyway.
And so, floating in a bubble, I'm at once included and excluded. I'm no different from those I watch, and yet, just how do I go about interacting? And more importantly, why do I feel like I need to conform?
The wish to be accepted and liked and sometimes loved, why do I stride for them? Even if it's so seldom as to not exist.

New Years Resolutions (and some other stuff)

I never hold onto any of them. Halfhearted or not, they fall by the wayside.
So perhaps my resolution this year is to stop that silly tradition. No more resolutions from 2010, on.
I tell myself this or that plan will work, but truth be told, I don't know that I really want to go back to school, and I may dream of it often, but I don't think I want a job either. I'm lazy, I guess.
My only long term plan that has been "on track" is my wish to get pregnant.

I've wanted to lose weight. I wanted to become a massage therapist. I wanted to work at Jewel. I want to become an esthetician. I want to have a supplementary income.
I want... I hate wanting things. As soon as one want is resolved, another springs up in its place. I should rephrase, I don't hate it. I don't hate alot of things. I dislike things. I dream of being rid of 'want'. And simultaneously, I'm endlessly amused by it.

Been listening to music tracks that have no names, for they are anon created .swf files and youtube videos, user uploaded with incorrect or absent titles.
Beautiful music, melodies sans lyrics, that I've tracked down rather than go to sleep. Listening to a song that sounds like Benn Jordan's I Am The Unbreakable Shard Of Glass mixed with Autumn Insomnia Session. It's a .swf file titled NRGH-NOTEXT and it's absolutely beautiful. It's melancholic. I love it.

What to do, what to do... Part Deux?

Didn't need to do anything. And so my pops told me, pay it no mind, no my concern.
And the split that was causing so many heart, is now mended. Both sides have come together and said their apologies. A scant week before Christmas in fact, for which I am grateful. To have to choose who I was going to hang out with was no fun, I wanted to enjoy the company of my sibs and their significant others, period. No drama. I know that as long as we live there will be drama. However, a split in the family, so close as mine is, was heartbreaking for me and I wasn't even part of the quarrel.
But, things are better now.