Fuckin Nuts

That's the way I feel anyway. Like I'm bouncing off the walls. Like I wanna hide. Probably had way too much sugar and caffeine today and the last couple of weeks. I've been 'overdosing' on those two poison for awhile now. I need to get it together.
My self-imposed/inflicted dilemma is: do I bust my ass trying to get a job in a struggling economy with skills not terribly different from the other schmoes on the job market and likely fail or do I continue to be and get more overweight from inactivity?
I'm, give or take, 20 lbs heavier than 2+ years ago. That's when I was working last. I heavy enough that my dad has pointed out, much to my horror (well I had noticed it prior, so not that horrible) that my belly now sticks out farther than my boobs. I'm not evenly 'fat', it's just my belly; very unhealthy.
Now, perhaps this is why I feels so chaotic.
Dear Me, when did the "only indulge in pop/caffeine on the weekends" take a hike?
Dear Me, when had swimming become a favorite activity to talk about rather than do?
(My husband pointed out that I likely "fell out of it" because he stopped joining me in the activity, not a true valid excuse to stop, but a explanation.)
Dear Me, when did being unemployed become so much more enticing than being a contributing member of society?

I so enjoy reading, and internet surfing and playing games, computer and console. But when did other activities become shunned and uninteresting?
WTF is wrong with me? I think about that...I'm sure that crosses everyone's mind at some point in their lives.
I wrote a journal entry a couple of nights ago (more like early morning roughly 2AM-3ishAM) about many a topic/concern. All self inflicted and I think I'll like transfer the written entry to this medium. Honestly, though I'm not sure, I still think I should complete the cleansing process and burn the pages (yes pages, 2 of them, front and back, of me crying and carrying on, so blah!)
I, then left said entry in plain view. I don't hide my indignities and worries from my hubby, I'd rather not worry him for things I bring on myself. But being married, scratched that, being able to read each other the way we can, I'd not be able to hide the pain and frustration from him long. For while I can smile and speak as though nothing's amiss, my eyes never lie. I can't hide that it.
So, the entry...I guess I'm still bugged by the contents/concerns. I'd thought that getting them out, spending time with my family yesterday and the day before would heal some of the problems, or at the very least give me other POVs to take a look-see at. No, I'm still bummed about my, as I said, self-inflicted troubles. I no longer feel like crying, I'm wondering if that was just hormonal BS, the crying I mean; not the worries.
I feel like my life is at a stand still. I was working. I wanted to keeping working at the locksmith. I ended up at Old Navy, like I went to UIC, just long enough to say 'Fuck this!' Do I go to school? A trade school of sorts? Do I go back to college or a university? Do I try to work part time and some place I slowly but surely come to hate? Shall I devote me time to exercising? Do I volunteer? Do I focus on house-wifely work? Do I hide? Because honestly, with the troubles of the last two days with monetary decisions with seemly simple choices needed, turn into troubles for Joe that make me feel more desperate to hide and be done with all this shit. I'm not bringing in funds, I'm a dead beat. I'm not trying to ask for shit I don't need and can't afford, but dammit, just gotta have. I'm trying to do the best by what we can afford.
I want to hide from want..I want clothes and shoes and makeup and electronics and books and appliances and slews of junk that my TV and radio and the internet say are really cool and 'don't I just gotta get it for such and such an occasion'. No, I don't want to want it, because as soon as I get the latest and greatest 'fill-in-the-blank', the next generation will be out faster than I can turn around, faster than I can take my next breath. I want, I want, I want...
...Lost my immediate train of thought...
Aha?!
I want to hide. I don't want to take in anymore media telling me what I 'need' next
Wow this turned into shit real fast. Guess I just need to get out that retarded brain child (or mental diarrhea).
But I suppose this frenzied feeling I just can seem to shake loose all goes back to my weight and inactivity. An inability to find balance...just yet?
How does one find balance in a materialistic world lacking adequate funds to make owning a reality?

Useless/Mindless Raving

So I'm creating a ring tone for my own number on my husband's phone. He's got a Google phone and has downloaded an app that creates ring tones from music files. So I select a portion of a favorite song and voila: he has a ring tone that reflects me and one loud enough for him to hear me when I call him.
So...I'm excited about the possibilities on my own phone. I would no longer feel compelled to purchase ring tones. No longer be bound to our service provider's own ring tone store.
I downloaded a ring tone creator. I don't yet know how awesome or lame is may be. Why? It can only handle file formats I don't regularly use. Now, I know that my .m4a's on iTunes can be changed to compatible formats for the program (provided that there weren't purchased on iTunes and thus a protected format I have no interest in breaking to use for my own purpose. I'm not going to sell or spread around endless copies of purchased media. I want the song for ring tone (i.e. personal use only) purposes. That said, the mindless and/or useless raving is for this: I have all the songs I could want for various contacts ring tones, but I have to change the formats of said files to do so? Honestly it's not a big deal, this should be totally within my abilities to do. But why can't I just get software that can handle .m4a formats as is?

Little bit of everything...

Thinking of others posts and notes (FB) and wondering if I fall into categories people wish to avoid.
I space out so easily. I hope no one thinks I'm ignoring them. Though I think perhaps what I do may be worse. I don't care one way or the other. Or more like, I hope everyone of my friends and acquaintances are having as good a life as possibly in their reach, but no, I don't need to be updated or included. I suppose that's what make FB so agreeable with this reclusive person (me). I can go to your page and look to see if you're married, engaged, enjoying watching your little ones grow, or dealing with college and there after. We don't have to interact. I'm very aware of my socially retarded self. It's not meant to hurt, no maliciousness intended. That's not to say that I don't say stupid, insensitive things, but they're never intended to damage. I just don't have an tact and thus would rather not talk, than inflict needless hurts.
But I think I just fell off topic...
I remember a myspace bulletin going around, few months back, saying something along the lines of "if I don't see this come back" or "if you don't post this anew" then we're not friends and I'm going to delete our "myspace link". I think this is silly. I'm not much of a myspace fan, but I have buddies on both popular networking sites, and once friended I don't interact much with. It's not that I don't want to work on the relationship or that I don't care. We've graduated HS or college, or have gotten new jobs and grown up and apart. Our lives are different. I want to keep in touch a little bit, but not like previous interaction. And not cause this or that person is not worth it but because our lives aren't so parallel as they once were. So..have a good life, enjoy your fortune of life, love, or money, whatever you're striding for. Leave the silly stuff behind, stress yourself less.
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Been thinking about life. More so now, because of new family connections brought on my wonderful husband. I've blood kin, very much in my life, but this new connection is so right. I didn't know I was missing it until it fell into place.
How wonderful to be included. I grew up in a loving family, unconditional love. So I am capable of loving other unconditionally. Seeing as how people are not that different. My faults and those of others are not so different. So if I judge before I know the beauty in others, that's my loss.
J&E are family. Wonderful, lovable people, I look forward to knowing better.
T&J are family. Blood-kin and spouse. Wonderful, lovable people.
I want to include them in any and all activities that bring joy and laughter and love into their lives. I want to include.
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Stress has been creeping into my life. Unavoidable, I know. Stressful because of the frustrating factor. Knowing what's awry, and not being able to fix it or even knowing how to fix it. I'm not complaining, though it may seem as such. But stress has a way of getting to your loved ones; I mean my husband. So I talked to him about it, and was given a great gift in his point of view.
So I'll remain a sounding board to those who need it, I will continue to listen. But if things are going to get resolved they will. Or they won't. And I'll give my two cents if I'm asked; if I'm not, then I won't. But I'll observe and try to remain unstressed until something can be done. I'll help if I can. I won't throw fuel of the flames. I'll defend those who need it.