frantic?

I've ditched the birth control 2 weeks ahead of my intended "schedule", and feel a little frantic for it. I've taken it for 5 years, that's a long time for my young life. But I do want kids, I'm just being neurotic. I miss having a job, being unemployed seemed the better option after Old Navy, but now I'm feeling spooky? nervous? neurotic...having hours of free time and no structure, self-imposed or otherwise is crazy-making. I need to start volunteering or applying to jobs that I can tolerate, or utilize the Y like I want to anyway. Keeping my body in better shape will keep my mind occupied, cause I do enjoy swimming and the exertion will make me feel emotionally more stable than this past week. My husband been very patience and understanding, but he needs to sleep and ignore me ass when I being a basket case for no better reason than my own self-imposed inactivity.
This past week's end and weekend (Friday & Saturday) was wonderful. I was hired by my uncle to help with an annual dinner party. So the assisting and the party itself was a wonder. My mind occupied and my body to a lesser degree (bags of ice aren't heavy enough to exhaust me, damn)
I need to get on a better diet track, more meals I make myself from known ingredients, less artificial, more organic...perhaps.

Strange Dreams (01-06-2009)

first thing i remember is trying to escape from a underground facility, or at least i believe it to be. there are others with me. we've all been experimented on, this is know. perhaps it's a storage house, there are pipes hanging from the ceiling. "we" are running back and forth looking for a way out. there's a panic about us, frantic. i never learn why we need to get out, only that it's "our" goal. there's a second floor or maybe a ground floor that we get to, seems another has just been experimented on and coming to join "us", it terrifies me, it sounds like twisting, collapsing metal. and then a man comes up the spiral staircase. overweight, but as normal as the rest of us. he's focusing on me, did he know i was terrified, anticipating the worse? or...
he knows i need to escape. to get back to my husband. i'm crying,crumpled to the ground, worrying that he may be gone if & when i reach home. fearing for me and gone to find me.
"we" do escape. on purpose or carelessness, we know not. but doors have been flung open, we on the ground floor of a great warehouse. darkness confused our befuddled minds. we become I. though i find i'm being chased by a man. younger, slimmer, more determined to talk with me. telling me to give up? i don't remember the conversation. only that he followed me all the way "home". now i know what the experiments outcome was. i flew home, granted it was more like swimming and no more than a foot off the ground. the determined man right behind me, chatting endlessly about how i should cease my quest and come back to the others. seems the "building" was in downtown and home was far north, but suburban. i never did shake off the pursuer, though he didn't have much to stop me and i never did get home. I woke up.