Terror

The soul searching I played with hasn't left me. Truly, it never will. Once the seed is planted, it will run its course. Yes, terror, I'm sure it has gripped everyone once in there lives. I felt it today, along with a strange comfort. And for no more than a breath, I felt utterly insignificant. I could have disappeared right then and there and everything would be fine. To feel swallowed up in this knowing that I meant nothing to the overall picture was freeing.
It's hard to encompass with mere words, so incomplete, so inferior. To know that being attached to the body is where all the fear is derived. To let go of it, its pain and pleasure, the joy and sorrow, would mean an end to the fear of the dark/black abyss I imagine it to be. How quiet and truly restful it must be. How comforting to know you may be swallowed up without a trace. The phrases 'I don't know' and 'I am' swallow me up and yet I'm too young to really know what peace and relief they can bring if only I had the courage to allow it. To stop being terrified or to see what the emotion is and watch it consume me while never actually touching me. I smile at the dream of not being momentarily afraid anymore. I cry at the enormity of it all, I know these are passing dreams and so I will have forgotten the terror. Left behind the deliciousness of it, and the comfort of it. Epiphanies, I suppose, is what I could call these moment of clarity. No, they don't really change my life greatly, or permanently. More like a readjustment of what I was already running with. Still I savor them and fall into the ailment of nostalgia. My memories and dreams are precious and I horde them. Will I let them go?

Terrified

Yes, quite easily, terrified. At the thought of raising children of my own, I'll have help of course. Me and mine will do this together. But, if a child was placed with me, with the expressed expectation that he or she is now my charge scares me so completely. I know that should I come by my children naturally as I hope, I'll come to know them and the responsibility will be great none the less, but I'll have come upon it slowly, naturally, rather than all of a sudden. Yesterday while I waited for the bus, having just missed the one prior, I thought of our future children and was terrified and so I blog. As history to look back on and see my naivete and laugh or cry, I suppose. I'm no less excited at the definite prospect of our children, I'm just equally aware of the responsibility of it all, simultaneously. I look forward to them.