In a bubble...

That's what my awareness feels like. I'm locked away, by my own doings. I remain in my bubble and watch the world around me. I seldom interact with those I love and care for outside of my close knit (& immediate) family. I find myself amused or awestruck by the comings and goings of everyday life and all their ventures. But, though I wish, or think I wish to join them, I rarely do. I find myself imitating friends and family and just when I reach the threshold, just when I feel myself inspired enough to reach out...I don't.
I've called myself socially retarded. Joe disagrees, saying that I've gotten better at interacting at our parties/poker games. But, I still feel hugely inept at life. I know everyone has their own awkward moments to deal with. I don't fear going out of the house, I don't fear family functions. I do wish to include myself in my family's activities. I think I do, anyway.
And so, floating in a bubble, I'm at once included and excluded. I'm no different from those I watch, and yet, just how do I go about interacting? And more importantly, why do I feel like I need to conform?
The wish to be accepted and liked and sometimes loved, why do I stride for them? Even if it's so seldom as to not exist.

New Years Resolutions (and some other stuff)

I never hold onto any of them. Halfhearted or not, they fall by the wayside.
So perhaps my resolution this year is to stop that silly tradition. No more resolutions from 2010, on.
I tell myself this or that plan will work, but truth be told, I don't know that I really want to go back to school, and I may dream of it often, but I don't think I want a job either. I'm lazy, I guess.
My only long term plan that has been "on track" is my wish to get pregnant.

I've wanted to lose weight. I wanted to become a massage therapist. I wanted to work at Jewel. I want to become an esthetician. I want to have a supplementary income.
I want... I hate wanting things. As soon as one want is resolved, another springs up in its place. I should rephrase, I don't hate it. I don't hate alot of things. I dislike things. I dream of being rid of 'want'. And simultaneously, I'm endlessly amused by it.

Been listening to music tracks that have no names, for they are anon created .swf files and youtube videos, user uploaded with incorrect or absent titles.
Beautiful music, melodies sans lyrics, that I've tracked down rather than go to sleep. Listening to a song that sounds like Benn Jordan's I Am The Unbreakable Shard Of Glass mixed with Autumn Insomnia Session. It's a .swf file titled NRGH-NOTEXT and it's absolutely beautiful. It's melancholic. I love it.

What to do, what to do... Part Deux?

Didn't need to do anything. And so my pops told me, pay it no mind, no my concern.
And the split that was causing so many heart, is now mended. Both sides have come together and said their apologies. A scant week before Christmas in fact, for which I am grateful. To have to choose who I was going to hang out with was no fun, I wanted to enjoy the company of my sibs and their significant others, period. No drama. I know that as long as we live there will be drama. However, a split in the family, so close as mine is, was heartbreaking for me and I wasn't even part of the quarrel.
But, things are better now.