Still awake, doing it again. Getting lost again, though thankfully not feeling lost regarding what i should do with my life. I, just now, got lost in the internets/puter. But lately, I've been getting lost in my own head, having trouble remembering what conversations happened with who & about what. Trying to read, browse the web, watch TV and/or listen to music all simultaneously and getting confused about the content I've jumped to not being the same as what I'd just finished with
Spacing out in conversations I'm interested in. For it's one thing to be bored & space out as a result, quite another to do so in convos one finds interesting & entertaining. Perhaps it's simply stress over finances, insurance, & future plans: Should we buy a house or co-op with T&Y in a 2Flat similar to my parents' & uncle's situation, will we have enough money to keep up w/mortgage payments. I'm quite willing to work if need be, but would like to be a stay at home mommy when the time comes.
I guess I'm still feeling overwhelmed as well I know I'm not the youngest bride on the planet, nor am I in an unusually young age bracket, but I still feel a sense of 'I'm going too fast, I'm rushing things and perhaps this time around these emotions come to mind while I'm still very much awake. I'm feeling downright panicky. I'm 25, I'm young, should I be trying to have kids so soon, should I have taken more time to decide, I'm feeling rather ill & dizzy.
Monday, May 18
Friday, May 15
Anger
I've been reading the HP series in anticipation for the upcoming movie. "Want to be up to snuff."
It seems that Snape is often angered. Made me think, I don't know that I really understand "angry", don't get me wrong, I'm sure I've been angry often. But I'm more likely to become frustrated and irritated. Not angry. I'll internalize a great deal when truly stressed. But angry, not often, then again, some of my more spectacular fights with my ex seemed closer to rage than anger.
When pushed to far or hard, I feel almost gleefully into rage. But so anger is a confusing emotion to me. Happiness, joy, sadness, and many aspects in between, are more easily understood; not anger.
And how can someone be angry all the time, is it more anguish that become aggressive? Or great, constant physical pain turned into aggressive actions toward other? Or simply a desired state of being? Something one has found to be their simplest form of a livelihood. I don't get anger, I've seen many facets(?) of it. Behaving spitefully, is this a form of anger? Being malicious?
I like to believe that I don't truly hate anyone. Hate being the polar opposite of love. You think about parents or sibs, you're spouse/partner, think of what they're doing, of what you'll be doing later in the day. That kind of constant effort is difficult, with regards to hating someone. It's easy to love someone, or many. However to hate anyone, that sort of constant vigilance, is tiresome. To think about something or someone all day everyday in a negative way, NO THANK YOU.
But so, back to my original point, maybe I don't understand anger, because I don't hate. (I try not to, anyway.
It seems that Snape is often angered. Made me think, I don't know that I really understand "angry", don't get me wrong, I'm sure I've been angry often. But I'm more likely to become frustrated and irritated. Not angry. I'll internalize a great deal when truly stressed. But angry, not often, then again, some of my more spectacular fights with my ex seemed closer to rage than anger.
When pushed to far or hard, I feel almost gleefully into rage. But so anger is a confusing emotion to me. Happiness, joy, sadness, and many aspects in between, are more easily understood; not anger.
And how can someone be angry all the time, is it more anguish that become aggressive? Or great, constant physical pain turned into aggressive actions toward other? Or simply a desired state of being? Something one has found to be their simplest form of a livelihood. I don't get anger, I've seen many facets(?) of it. Behaving spitefully, is this a form of anger? Being malicious?
I like to believe that I don't truly hate anyone. Hate being the polar opposite of love. You think about parents or sibs, you're spouse/partner, think of what they're doing, of what you'll be doing later in the day. That kind of constant effort is difficult, with regards to hating someone. It's easy to love someone, or many. However to hate anyone, that sort of constant vigilance, is tiresome. To think about something or someone all day everyday in a negative way, NO THANK YOU.
But so, back to my original point, maybe I don't understand anger, because I don't hate. (I try not to, anyway.
Tuesday, May 12
Dream Advice
Normally I just enjoy the dreams I have, write them down (or blog 'em) to remember them.
But last night/early morning, seems my unconscious may be trying to tell me something more concrete. I was sitting at a picnic bench with a slew of friends, all telling me I should choose something. Go back to school and do something with my life. Now, awake, I realize that I am doing plenty, with my life, to make me happy. That's the important part. But the night before, I was having a minor/mini panic attack or something. Not sure it could truly be an attack, just a realization. I'm no longer clear of the particular emotions I was experiencing. I was daunted by the prospect of motherhood. I felt like the decision to do it so soon was wrong or weird. I'm only 25. I'm not ready for this, I'm feeling excited and anxious. I know every possible parent out there likely goes through similar doubts and anxieties. But it was as though I had forgotten how wrong it was for me to have decided that I want kids and soon. How did I come to feel like that last night? Now I know it can't precisely be called a panic attack however minor, because I was still falling asleep as I was thinking of how preposterous the notion of me breeding was.
I imagine the dream was brought on by the emotions prior to sleeping.
The emotions were extraordinarily clear, then. I felt overwhelmed at my decision. They were along the lines of "I shouldn't have been married so quickly, I shouldn't be planning to have a baby so quickly, I should be enjoying my 'individual' life far longer." I don't regret getting married. I don't intend to back down from having kids. The emotions just sort of came out of nowhere and I had the urge to record them before I forgot.
I have moments of clarity in both directions it would seem. Extraordinarily happy and good, and so mighty negative moments as well.
But last night/early morning, seems my unconscious may be trying to tell me something more concrete. I was sitting at a picnic bench with a slew of friends, all telling me I should choose something. Go back to school and do something with my life. Now, awake, I realize that I am doing plenty, with my life, to make me happy. That's the important part. But the night before, I was having a minor/mini panic attack or something. Not sure it could truly be an attack, just a realization. I'm no longer clear of the particular emotions I was experiencing. I was daunted by the prospect of motherhood. I felt like the decision to do it so soon was wrong or weird. I'm only 25. I'm not ready for this, I'm feeling excited and anxious. I know every possible parent out there likely goes through similar doubts and anxieties. But it was as though I had forgotten how wrong it was for me to have decided that I want kids and soon. How did I come to feel like that last night? Now I know it can't precisely be called a panic attack however minor, because I was still falling asleep as I was thinking of how preposterous the notion of me breeding was.
I imagine the dream was brought on by the emotions prior to sleeping.
The emotions were extraordinarily clear, then. I felt overwhelmed at my decision. They were along the lines of "I shouldn't have been married so quickly, I shouldn't be planning to have a baby so quickly, I should be enjoying my 'individual' life far longer." I don't regret getting married. I don't intend to back down from having kids. The emotions just sort of came out of nowhere and I had the urge to record them before I forgot.
I have moments of clarity in both directions it would seem. Extraordinarily happy and good, and so mighty negative moments as well.
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