The soul searching I played with hasn't left me. Truly, it never will. Once the seed is planted, it will run its course. Yes, terror, I'm sure it has gripped everyone once in there lives. I felt it today, along with a strange comfort. And for no more than a breath, I felt utterly insignificant. I could have disappeared right then and there and everything would be fine. To feel swallowed up in this knowing that I meant nothing to the overall picture was freeing.
It's hard to encompass with mere words, so incomplete, so inferior. To know that being attached to the body is where all the fear is derived. To let go of it, its pain and pleasure, the joy and sorrow, would mean an end to the fear of the dark/black abyss I imagine it to be. How quiet and truly restful it must be. How comforting to know you may be swallowed up without a trace. The phrases 'I don't know' and 'I am' swallow me up and yet I'm too young to really know what peace and relief they can bring if only I had the courage to allow it. To stop being terrified or to see what the emotion is and watch it consume me while never actually touching me. I smile at the dream of not being momentarily afraid anymore. I cry at the enormity of it all, I know these are passing dreams and so I will have forgotten the terror. Left behind the deliciousness of it, and the comfort of it. Epiphanies, I suppose, is what I could call these moment of clarity. No, they don't really change my life greatly, or permanently. More like a readjustment of what I was already running with. Still I savor them and fall into the ailment of nostalgia. My memories and dreams are precious and I horde them. Will I let them go?
Thursday, December 4
Wednesday, December 3
Terrified
Yes, quite easily, terrified. At the thought of raising children of my own, I'll have help of course. Me and mine will do this together. But, if a child was placed with me, with the expressed expectation that he or she is now my charge scares me so completely. I know that should I come by my children naturally as I hope, I'll come to know them and the responsibility will be great none the less, but I'll have come upon it slowly, naturally, rather than all of a sudden. Yesterday while I waited for the bus, having just missed the one prior, I thought of our future children and was terrified and so I blog. As history to look back on and see my naivete and laugh or cry, I suppose. I'm no less excited at the definite prospect of our children, I'm just equally aware of the responsibility of it all, simultaneously. I look forward to them.
Saturday, November 22
One
Dreaming of children, one baby, I don't know what gender or the name. But he or she was ours, I remember excitement at having the baby, but no more attachment to it than any other dream relationship I've ever had. Of all my plans made, most were broken. Planning doesn't seem to my strong suit, but I intended to get pregnant by next year. That will not likely be broken.
Tuesday, November 18
Nostalgia - Survival
This blog will also, likely, chronicle my mind set prior to marriage and babies. Yes, my short & long term plans/goals. I want to track my thoughts and expectations in my "maiden" state.
I'm dumbfounded. The thought that me & mine are to get married in little more than a month's time. That when we are bound, I'll discontinue my birth control and hopefully within this coming year I'll be pregnant. The upcoming marriage is for insurance purposes more than the partying factor. That's to come later, when we have the funds for it. More stuff for me to think about. Anyway, yes, friends and family will be present, for the marriage court. However, the more formal ceremony and reception will likely come round Spring '09 (we're thinking late April/early May).
But the fact of the binding myself to another is awesome. The decision to have children is awesome. Upon meeting and getting to know mine, I thought that marriage and kids were a distant possibility and I had thought that's what I wanted. No children, no rings. But perhaps it's just because I'm in my 20s and have no real concept of "growing up" and "immortality". Thinking it was alright to die and be forgotten, well, the forgotten part still is. But forgoing children may not have sat right with me once I'd gotten past my prime. To know what a child of our union would be like, appearance and temperament and personality, is becoming a real dream and goal of mine. I want children. I wanted children and then I didn't and I'm not sure whether the supposed decision to remain childless was more from my fear of raising another human being or was I trying to follow an ideal I may never fully realize in the lifetime.
I was in between my last partner and my current and thought that the pain of a failed relationship was too confusing & heart-breaking to try again. We all go through that, I know now. At the time however, I was introduced to a seekers' path, mysticism if you will. And the great teachers of said path inspired and awed me. I thought "this is for me" and it still is, but I don't have to stop going through the motion of life to obtain the lessons offered. They will come regardless of my choices, and they have, I have those 'Aha' moments from time to time even though I've stopped almost all of my reading and research into the subject. The teachers I speak of are Ramana Maharshi, H.W.L. Poonja, Nisargadatta Maharaj, and many others. I'm especially fond of Ramana. But as I said I no longer read very much on the subject.
Back to the first topic, the decision to have children was a hard one. For reasons and hurdles I put in place. I remember thinking I don't think I should have children, my genetic code can die with me, I can do this. And was very set in this thought pattern, I can be quite the stubborn ass. But something I said seemed to throw mine off, my decision was just that, mine own. I didn't discuss our future with him, just decided that something he said early in our relationship still held true nearly 2 years later. He wanted children, I didn't. Could we survive? He didn't wish to pressure me to make up my mind. I didn't have to want them, but 'we' might not survive. That was hard, to think that I didn't want children and couldn't let the stubborness go long enough to contemplate were I did in fact wish to remain childrenless or investigate he wishes and views. The thought that I could lose the one I love so much more than I thought I could possibly have, was contemplating leaving me if I stuck by my ill-informed or mis-informed decision. 20 something and already swearing off having children, I'd lost my mind. Those were hard weeks coming to terms that I do want children, maybe as much as mine does. Paniced, that's how I felt. I've found the one for me. I couldn't see myself without him. I told him so, that if ever we find ourselves less compatible than first we thought, he's going to have a hard time getting rid of me. Breakups are usually hard, but I'd likely fall to pieces and cling to mine with an intensity to scare even myself.
I want children. I want to grow old with mine.
I'm dumbfounded. The thought that me & mine are to get married in little more than a month's time. That when we are bound, I'll discontinue my birth control and hopefully within this coming year I'll be pregnant. The upcoming marriage is for insurance purposes more than the partying factor. That's to come later, when we have the funds for it. More stuff for me to think about. Anyway, yes, friends and family will be present, for the marriage court. However, the more formal ceremony and reception will likely come round Spring '09 (we're thinking late April/early May).
But the fact of the binding myself to another is awesome. The decision to have children is awesome. Upon meeting and getting to know mine, I thought that marriage and kids were a distant possibility and I had thought that's what I wanted. No children, no rings. But perhaps it's just because I'm in my 20s and have no real concept of "growing up" and "immortality". Thinking it was alright to die and be forgotten, well, the forgotten part still is. But forgoing children may not have sat right with me once I'd gotten past my prime. To know what a child of our union would be like, appearance and temperament and personality, is becoming a real dream and goal of mine. I want children. I wanted children and then I didn't and I'm not sure whether the supposed decision to remain childless was more from my fear of raising another human being or was I trying to follow an ideal I may never fully realize in the lifetime.
I was in between my last partner and my current and thought that the pain of a failed relationship was too confusing & heart-breaking to try again. We all go through that, I know now. At the time however, I was introduced to a seekers' path, mysticism if you will. And the great teachers of said path inspired and awed me. I thought "this is for me" and it still is, but I don't have to stop going through the motion of life to obtain the lessons offered. They will come regardless of my choices, and they have, I have those 'Aha' moments from time to time even though I've stopped almost all of my reading and research into the subject. The teachers I speak of are Ramana Maharshi, H.W.L. Poonja, Nisargadatta Maharaj, and many others. I'm especially fond of Ramana. But as I said I no longer read very much on the subject.
Back to the first topic, the decision to have children was a hard one. For reasons and hurdles I put in place. I remember thinking I don't think I should have children, my genetic code can die with me, I can do this. And was very set in this thought pattern, I can be quite the stubborn ass. But something I said seemed to throw mine off, my decision was just that, mine own. I didn't discuss our future with him, just decided that something he said early in our relationship still held true nearly 2 years later. He wanted children, I didn't. Could we survive? He didn't wish to pressure me to make up my mind. I didn't have to want them, but 'we' might not survive. That was hard, to think that I didn't want children and couldn't let the stubborness go long enough to contemplate were I did in fact wish to remain childrenless or investigate he wishes and views. The thought that I could lose the one I love so much more than I thought I could possibly have, was contemplating leaving me if I stuck by my ill-informed or mis-informed decision. 20 something and already swearing off having children, I'd lost my mind. Those were hard weeks coming to terms that I do want children, maybe as much as mine does. Paniced, that's how I felt. I've found the one for me. I couldn't see myself without him. I told him so, that if ever we find ourselves less compatible than first we thought, he's going to have a hard time getting rid of me. Breakups are usually hard, but I'd likely fall to pieces and cling to mine with an intensity to scare even myself.
I want children. I want to grow old with mine.
Sunday, November 16
Anon
So, I've created a blog. I feel like a poser, but I did blog before and was rather proud of my writings. Never mind that they were quite amateurish, I was glad to spin them out. I've created one again after having destroy the previous. I miss my Xanga blog most. Ah well. So yes, a blog, I do have desire to write and create, however useless, I'm just hesitant to share with others. Be they friend or family. I want to write whatever I feel. Sexual content, political, dream, whatever random thing comes to mind and while not all of it will be secretive in nature, I desire privacy this time. Prior blogging experiments (yes, i suppose that's what they were) were created while I was in college, all semester and half of it. So I had nothing to lose, so to speak. Now, I have friends and family that I really respect and wish to honor. I don't want them to hear/read all things I spout. That sounds weird even to me. I like to be open, tell honest truths, even to the point of hurting feeling (unintentional) and getting myself into trouble.
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