Nostalgia - Survival

This blog will also, likely, chronicle my mind set prior to marriage and babies. Yes, my short & long term plans/goals. I want to track my thoughts and expectations in my "maiden" state.

I'm dumbfounded. The thought that me & mine are to get married in little more than a month's time. That when we are bound, I'll discontinue my birth control and hopefully within this coming year I'll be pregnant. The upcoming marriage is for insurance purposes more than the partying factor. That's to come later, when we have the funds for it. More stuff for me to think about. Anyway, yes, friends and family will be present, for the marriage court. However, the more formal ceremony and reception will likely come round Spring '09 (we're thinking late April/early May).
But the fact of the binding myself to another is awesome. The decision to have children is awesome. Upon meeting and getting to know mine, I thought that marriage and kids were a distant possibility and I had thought that's what I wanted. No children, no rings. But perhaps it's just because I'm in my 20s and have no real concept of "growing up" and "immortality". Thinking it was alright to die and be forgotten, well, the forgotten part still is. But forgoing children may not have sat right with me once I'd gotten past my prime. To know what a child of our union would be like, appearance and temperament and personality, is becoming a real dream and goal of mine. I want children. I wanted children and then I didn't and I'm not sure whether the supposed decision to remain childless was more from my fear of raising another human being or was I trying to follow an ideal I may never fully realize in the lifetime.

I was in between my last partner and my current and thought that the pain of a failed relationship was too confusing & heart-breaking to try again. We all go through that, I know now. At the time however, I was introduced to a seekers' path, mysticism if you will. And the great teachers of said path inspired and awed me. I thought "this is for me" and it still is, but I don't have to stop going through the motion of life to obtain the lessons offered. They will come regardless of my choices, and they have, I have those 'Aha' moments from time to time even though I've stopped almost all of my reading and research into the subject. The teachers I speak of are Ramana Maharshi, H.W.L. Poonja, Nisargadatta Maharaj, and many others. I'm especially fond of Ramana. But as I said I no longer read very much on the subject.

Back to the first topic, the decision to have children was a hard one. For reasons and hurdles I put in place. I remember thinking I don't think I should have children, my genetic code can die with me, I can do this. And was very set in this thought pattern, I can be quite the stubborn ass. But something I said seemed to throw mine off, my decision was just that, mine own. I didn't discuss our future with him, just decided that something he said early in our relationship still held true nearly 2 years later. He wanted children, I didn't. Could we survive? He didn't wish to pressure me to make up my mind. I didn't have to want them, but 'we' might not survive. That was hard, to think that I didn't want children and couldn't let the stubborness go long enough to contemplate were I did in fact wish to remain childrenless or investigate he wishes and views. The thought that I could lose the one I love so much more than I thought I could possibly have, was contemplating leaving me if I stuck by my ill-informed or mis-informed decision. 20 something and already swearing off having children, I'd lost my mind. Those were hard weeks coming to terms that I do want children, maybe as much as mine does. Paniced, that's how I felt. I've found the one for me. I couldn't see myself without him. I told him so, that if ever we find ourselves less compatible than first we thought, he's going to have a hard time getting rid of me. Breakups are usually hard, but I'd likely fall to pieces and cling to mine with an intensity to scare even myself.
I want children. I want to grow old with mine.