Fuckin Nuts

That's the way I feel anyway. Like I'm bouncing off the walls. Like I wanna hide. Probably had way too much sugar and caffeine today and the last couple of weeks. I've been 'overdosing' on those two poison for awhile now. I need to get it together.
My self-imposed/inflicted dilemma is: do I bust my ass trying to get a job in a struggling economy with skills not terribly different from the other schmoes on the job market and likely fail or do I continue to be and get more overweight from inactivity?
I'm, give or take, 20 lbs heavier than 2+ years ago. That's when I was working last. I heavy enough that my dad has pointed out, much to my horror (well I had noticed it prior, so not that horrible) that my belly now sticks out farther than my boobs. I'm not evenly 'fat', it's just my belly; very unhealthy.
Now, perhaps this is why I feels so chaotic.
Dear Me, when did the "only indulge in pop/caffeine on the weekends" take a hike?
Dear Me, when had swimming become a favorite activity to talk about rather than do?
(My husband pointed out that I likely "fell out of it" because he stopped joining me in the activity, not a true valid excuse to stop, but a explanation.)
Dear Me, when did being unemployed become so much more enticing than being a contributing member of society?

I so enjoy reading, and internet surfing and playing games, computer and console. But when did other activities become shunned and uninteresting?
WTF is wrong with me? I think about that...I'm sure that crosses everyone's mind at some point in their lives.
I wrote a journal entry a couple of nights ago (more like early morning roughly 2AM-3ishAM) about many a topic/concern. All self inflicted and I think I'll like transfer the written entry to this medium. Honestly, though I'm not sure, I still think I should complete the cleansing process and burn the pages (yes pages, 2 of them, front and back, of me crying and carrying on, so blah!)
I, then left said entry in plain view. I don't hide my indignities and worries from my hubby, I'd rather not worry him for things I bring on myself. But being married, scratched that, being able to read each other the way we can, I'd not be able to hide the pain and frustration from him long. For while I can smile and speak as though nothing's amiss, my eyes never lie. I can't hide that it.
So, the entry...I guess I'm still bugged by the contents/concerns. I'd thought that getting them out, spending time with my family yesterday and the day before would heal some of the problems, or at the very least give me other POVs to take a look-see at. No, I'm still bummed about my, as I said, self-inflicted troubles. I no longer feel like crying, I'm wondering if that was just hormonal BS, the crying I mean; not the worries.
I feel like my life is at a stand still. I was working. I wanted to keeping working at the locksmith. I ended up at Old Navy, like I went to UIC, just long enough to say 'Fuck this!' Do I go to school? A trade school of sorts? Do I go back to college or a university? Do I try to work part time and some place I slowly but surely come to hate? Shall I devote me time to exercising? Do I volunteer? Do I focus on house-wifely work? Do I hide? Because honestly, with the troubles of the last two days with monetary decisions with seemly simple choices needed, turn into troubles for Joe that make me feel more desperate to hide and be done with all this shit. I'm not bringing in funds, I'm a dead beat. I'm not trying to ask for shit I don't need and can't afford, but dammit, just gotta have. I'm trying to do the best by what we can afford.
I want to hide from want..I want clothes and shoes and makeup and electronics and books and appliances and slews of junk that my TV and radio and the internet say are really cool and 'don't I just gotta get it for such and such an occasion'. No, I don't want to want it, because as soon as I get the latest and greatest 'fill-in-the-blank', the next generation will be out faster than I can turn around, faster than I can take my next breath. I want, I want, I want...
...Lost my immediate train of thought...
Aha?!
I want to hide. I don't want to take in anymore media telling me what I 'need' next
Wow this turned into shit real fast. Guess I just need to get out that retarded brain child (or mental diarrhea).
But I suppose this frenzied feeling I just can seem to shake loose all goes back to my weight and inactivity. An inability to find balance...just yet?
How does one find balance in a materialistic world lacking adequate funds to make owning a reality?