Still awake, doing it again. Getting lost again, though thankfully not feeling lost regarding what i should do with my life. I, just now, got lost in the internets/puter. But lately, I've been getting lost in my own head, having trouble remembering what conversations happened with who & about what. Trying to read, browse the web, watch TV and/or listen to music all simultaneously and getting confused about the content I've jumped to not being the same as what I'd just finished with
Spacing out in conversations I'm interested in. For it's one thing to be bored & space out as a result, quite another to do so in convos one finds interesting & entertaining. Perhaps it's simply stress over finances, insurance, & future plans: Should we buy a house or co-op with T&Y in a 2Flat similar to my parents' & uncle's situation, will we have enough money to keep up w/mortgage payments. I'm quite willing to work if need be, but would like to be a stay at home mommy when the time comes.
I guess I'm still feeling overwhelmed as well I know I'm not the youngest bride on the planet, nor am I in an unusually young age bracket, but I still feel a sense of 'I'm going too fast, I'm rushing things and perhaps this time around these emotions come to mind while I'm still very much awake. I'm feeling downright panicky. I'm 25, I'm young, should I be trying to have kids so soon, should I have taken more time to decide, I'm feeling rather ill & dizzy.
Monday, May 18
Friday, May 15
Anger
I've been reading the HP series in anticipation for the upcoming movie. "Want to be up to snuff."
It seems that Snape is often angered. Made me think, I don't know that I really understand "angry", don't get me wrong, I'm sure I've been angry often. But I'm more likely to become frustrated and irritated. Not angry. I'll internalize a great deal when truly stressed. But angry, not often, then again, some of my more spectacular fights with my ex seemed closer to rage than anger.
When pushed to far or hard, I feel almost gleefully into rage. But so anger is a confusing emotion to me. Happiness, joy, sadness, and many aspects in between, are more easily understood; not anger.
And how can someone be angry all the time, is it more anguish that become aggressive? Or great, constant physical pain turned into aggressive actions toward other? Or simply a desired state of being? Something one has found to be their simplest form of a livelihood. I don't get anger, I've seen many facets(?) of it. Behaving spitefully, is this a form of anger? Being malicious?
I like to believe that I don't truly hate anyone. Hate being the polar opposite of love. You think about parents or sibs, you're spouse/partner, think of what they're doing, of what you'll be doing later in the day. That kind of constant effort is difficult, with regards to hating someone. It's easy to love someone, or many. However to hate anyone, that sort of constant vigilance, is tiresome. To think about something or someone all day everyday in a negative way, NO THANK YOU.
But so, back to my original point, maybe I don't understand anger, because I don't hate. (I try not to, anyway.
It seems that Snape is often angered. Made me think, I don't know that I really understand "angry", don't get me wrong, I'm sure I've been angry often. But I'm more likely to become frustrated and irritated. Not angry. I'll internalize a great deal when truly stressed. But angry, not often, then again, some of my more spectacular fights with my ex seemed closer to rage than anger.
When pushed to far or hard, I feel almost gleefully into rage. But so anger is a confusing emotion to me. Happiness, joy, sadness, and many aspects in between, are more easily understood; not anger.
And how can someone be angry all the time, is it more anguish that become aggressive? Or great, constant physical pain turned into aggressive actions toward other? Or simply a desired state of being? Something one has found to be their simplest form of a livelihood. I don't get anger, I've seen many facets(?) of it. Behaving spitefully, is this a form of anger? Being malicious?
I like to believe that I don't truly hate anyone. Hate being the polar opposite of love. You think about parents or sibs, you're spouse/partner, think of what they're doing, of what you'll be doing later in the day. That kind of constant effort is difficult, with regards to hating someone. It's easy to love someone, or many. However to hate anyone, that sort of constant vigilance, is tiresome. To think about something or someone all day everyday in a negative way, NO THANK YOU.
But so, back to my original point, maybe I don't understand anger, because I don't hate. (I try not to, anyway.
Tuesday, May 12
Dream Advice
Normally I just enjoy the dreams I have, write them down (or blog 'em) to remember them.
But last night/early morning, seems my unconscious may be trying to tell me something more concrete. I was sitting at a picnic bench with a slew of friends, all telling me I should choose something. Go back to school and do something with my life. Now, awake, I realize that I am doing plenty, with my life, to make me happy. That's the important part. But the night before, I was having a minor/mini panic attack or something. Not sure it could truly be an attack, just a realization. I'm no longer clear of the particular emotions I was experiencing. I was daunted by the prospect of motherhood. I felt like the decision to do it so soon was wrong or weird. I'm only 25. I'm not ready for this, I'm feeling excited and anxious. I know every possible parent out there likely goes through similar doubts and anxieties. But it was as though I had forgotten how wrong it was for me to have decided that I want kids and soon. How did I come to feel like that last night? Now I know it can't precisely be called a panic attack however minor, because I was still falling asleep as I was thinking of how preposterous the notion of me breeding was.
I imagine the dream was brought on by the emotions prior to sleeping.
The emotions were extraordinarily clear, then. I felt overwhelmed at my decision. They were along the lines of "I shouldn't have been married so quickly, I shouldn't be planning to have a baby so quickly, I should be enjoying my 'individual' life far longer." I don't regret getting married. I don't intend to back down from having kids. The emotions just sort of came out of nowhere and I had the urge to record them before I forgot.
I have moments of clarity in both directions it would seem. Extraordinarily happy and good, and so mighty negative moments as well.
But last night/early morning, seems my unconscious may be trying to tell me something more concrete. I was sitting at a picnic bench with a slew of friends, all telling me I should choose something. Go back to school and do something with my life. Now, awake, I realize that I am doing plenty, with my life, to make me happy. That's the important part. But the night before, I was having a minor/mini panic attack or something. Not sure it could truly be an attack, just a realization. I'm no longer clear of the particular emotions I was experiencing. I was daunted by the prospect of motherhood. I felt like the decision to do it so soon was wrong or weird. I'm only 25. I'm not ready for this, I'm feeling excited and anxious. I know every possible parent out there likely goes through similar doubts and anxieties. But it was as though I had forgotten how wrong it was for me to have decided that I want kids and soon. How did I come to feel like that last night? Now I know it can't precisely be called a panic attack however minor, because I was still falling asleep as I was thinking of how preposterous the notion of me breeding was.
I imagine the dream was brought on by the emotions prior to sleeping.
The emotions were extraordinarily clear, then. I felt overwhelmed at my decision. They were along the lines of "I shouldn't have been married so quickly, I shouldn't be planning to have a baby so quickly, I should be enjoying my 'individual' life far longer." I don't regret getting married. I don't intend to back down from having kids. The emotions just sort of came out of nowhere and I had the urge to record them before I forgot.
I have moments of clarity in both directions it would seem. Extraordinarily happy and good, and so mighty negative moments as well.
Wednesday, April 29
Noise=Music (for me, truly)
I'm listening to "「初音ミク」 livetune feat Hatsune Miku - Last Night, Good Night" on youtube
It's from Vocaloid. Hatsune Miku is the more popular 'voice' of the program.
But anyway, my point is most of my music falls into the electronic(a) genre. Vocaloid renditions of songs are more like that of computer generated "noises" in my favorite songs. Particularly since I listen to a lot of J-Pop and some K-Pop tunes, I don't understand the words and so the vocals become another instrument. Recently, my favorite songs have been Vocaloid tunes, the Japanese versions. I tried to listen to the English songs done in the Miriam & Prima voices offered with Vocaloid 2, can't do it. For although I listen to "noise" (as my brother so eloquently put it, as well as others) I'm apparently very picky about what noise I like and don't.
That's the point is it not? To be able to browse the grand selection of music out there, and pick and choice what warms your heart, sings to your soul, give you inspiration, and makes you dance; and be god damned picky about it.
I've lost the irritation at those who would label my music noise or worthless/not music. It wasn't made for them. I was made for me and others like me.
Music is one of those very personal things, I think. Like that of religion and politics, people can get so heated about what they think is quality and what they think is crap. I've tried to listen to Joe's fav music, my sibs, yet to try punk, I'll try, definitely. I've tried to listen to random genres was browsing iTunes, tried to get into others' shoes, hear what they hear. I can't electronic(a) is my match. Granted I listen to other genres occasionally, some of my favorite songs are country, rock, indie, most everything. Electronic(a) is just mine.
It's from Vocaloid. Hatsune Miku is the more popular 'voice' of the program.
But anyway, my point is most of my music falls into the electronic(a) genre. Vocaloid renditions of songs are more like that of computer generated "noises" in my favorite songs. Particularly since I listen to a lot of J-Pop and some K-Pop tunes, I don't understand the words and so the vocals become another instrument. Recently, my favorite songs have been Vocaloid tunes, the Japanese versions. I tried to listen to the English songs done in the Miriam & Prima voices offered with Vocaloid 2, can't do it. For although I listen to "noise" (as my brother so eloquently put it, as well as others) I'm apparently very picky about what noise I like and don't.
That's the point is it not? To be able to browse the grand selection of music out there, and pick and choice what warms your heart, sings to your soul, give you inspiration, and makes you dance; and be god damned picky about it.
I've lost the irritation at those who would label my music noise or worthless/not music. It wasn't made for them. I was made for me and others like me.
Music is one of those very personal things, I think. Like that of religion and politics, people can get so heated about what they think is quality and what they think is crap. I've tried to listen to Joe's fav music, my sibs, yet to try punk, I'll try, definitely. I've tried to listen to random genres was browsing iTunes, tried to get into others' shoes, hear what they hear. I can't electronic(a) is my match. Granted I listen to other genres occasionally, some of my favorite songs are country, rock, indie, most everything. Electronic(a) is just mine.
Friday, April 24
Dreams (4/24/08: AM)
Imma stop identifying my dreams as strange. Apparently there all surreal, or so my older sister tells me. Anyway...
The first POV I experience is some higher consciousness controlling the world's weather patterns and something about trying to keep said control. Whilst the human try to get around it. I don't know if the humans understand that an intelligence is responsible for the occurrences and the damage. But the intelligence(s) are discusses how to continue to foil 'our' plans by means of a grand reset. All the while I'm witnessing the discussion I'm seeing cloud patterns and dust clouds and massive physics at works.
Suddenly, I'm back to 'normal' on the ground. I'm in a park like setting the streets and neighbor around Indian Boundary Park. But no apartment buildings, there beautiful but there gone apparently. Instead I'm in suburbia. But people seem to be rebound for some forceful enough gales to roll their homes outta the ground, intact. The ground is sloped, and the houses roll back in place. Looks hilarious in retrospect, in the dream no one's laughing. I remember climbing a tree in hopes of safely escaping the next gale. I do escape it, until a 'neighbor's' car runs right into its base and the tree and I topple right over. While everyone is reacting and recovering, we see the horizon being blow about with the greatest of ease. There is now a hurricane bearing down on us. It's at such a distance that one should be safe, evacuating would be the best precaution as its on its way. But instead we choose our garage to hunker down and hope for the best. I remember little ones with my dad and myself. People, I'm quite sure now, not related to me or anyone I know. But he & I are grouping them together in the garage. Kissing our asses goodbye. Or rather as were 'getting' comfortable, I insist on a kiss goodbye from everyone. We're huddled there freaking out, when a neighbor appears, the very one that knocked my tree down. He's saying that in the pass he'd leave his horse in his garage and when he came back after the storm, the horse was always safe and sound. Now why his garage would be any better protection than the one we're already in, I have no idea. But we hear this, we leave the garage and go running down the alleyway (in suburbia, what?) to another garage. 'I' run to the first open one I see and promptly get disappointed and freaked out, it's hinge aren't connected. How is that gonna protect better than ours. It's the wrong one of course, I didn't wait for anyone, they've all gotten to the right one.
I'm fuzzy on the next part, I've started to wake by then. But there's something like an indoor hobby sort of aquarium set up complete with sardines and dolphins (WTF?)
Looking back, things were all screwed up, the overall dream made no sense obviously, but our first choice garage was filled with water, at least on the outer rim (?) the inside clear of it. Though the alley was clear, I remember rain. I'd almost forgotten by that point of the dream that the hurricane was a creation of the super powers I saw earlier.
There's more dream, but it's shifted dramatically. I'm fuzzy about most of it. I know it was a "Devil Wears Prada" setup. I was one of the assistants. And I was making decisions, so that was a dream.
The first POV I experience is some higher consciousness controlling the world's weather patterns and something about trying to keep said control. Whilst the human try to get around it. I don't know if the humans understand that an intelligence is responsible for the occurrences and the damage. But the intelligence(s) are discusses how to continue to foil 'our' plans by means of a grand reset. All the while I'm witnessing the discussion I'm seeing cloud patterns and dust clouds and massive physics at works.
Suddenly, I'm back to 'normal' on the ground. I'm in a park like setting the streets and neighbor around Indian Boundary Park. But no apartment buildings, there beautiful but there gone apparently. Instead I'm in suburbia. But people seem to be rebound for some forceful enough gales to roll their homes outta the ground, intact. The ground is sloped, and the houses roll back in place. Looks hilarious in retrospect, in the dream no one's laughing. I remember climbing a tree in hopes of safely escaping the next gale. I do escape it, until a 'neighbor's' car runs right into its base and the tree and I topple right over. While everyone is reacting and recovering, we see the horizon being blow about with the greatest of ease. There is now a hurricane bearing down on us. It's at such a distance that one should be safe, evacuating would be the best precaution as its on its way. But instead we choose our garage to hunker down and hope for the best. I remember little ones with my dad and myself. People, I'm quite sure now, not related to me or anyone I know. But he & I are grouping them together in the garage. Kissing our asses goodbye. Or rather as were 'getting' comfortable, I insist on a kiss goodbye from everyone. We're huddled there freaking out, when a neighbor appears, the very one that knocked my tree down. He's saying that in the pass he'd leave his horse in his garage and when he came back after the storm, the horse was always safe and sound. Now why his garage would be any better protection than the one we're already in, I have no idea. But we hear this, we leave the garage and go running down the alleyway (in suburbia, what?) to another garage. 'I' run to the first open one I see and promptly get disappointed and freaked out, it's hinge aren't connected. How is that gonna protect better than ours. It's the wrong one of course, I didn't wait for anyone, they've all gotten to the right one.
I'm fuzzy on the next part, I've started to wake by then. But there's something like an indoor hobby sort of aquarium set up complete with sardines and dolphins (WTF?)
Looking back, things were all screwed up, the overall dream made no sense obviously, but our first choice garage was filled with water, at least on the outer rim (?) the inside clear of it. Though the alley was clear, I remember rain. I'd almost forgotten by that point of the dream that the hurricane was a creation of the super powers I saw earlier.
There's more dream, but it's shifted dramatically. I'm fuzzy about most of it. I know it was a "Devil Wears Prada" setup. I was one of the assistants. And I was making decisions, so that was a dream.
Tuesday, April 21
Ixnay
Was re-reading some of my post. The marriage one in particular. He and I did get married, informally(?) at a downtown Chicago court house with family and friends. The originally supposed more formal, more inclusive (of the rest of the family and friends) was to be rather soon, later on this month or next. Never mind that, we don't have the funds to do so. On the other hand, my mother suggested we do a party at their new apartment, cook the food ourselves, do our own decorations and so on. I just don't see that in the future. When I'm pregnant, I want a baby shower, complete with games and party. Cause we will need help getting things ready for the new arrival. But, no more formal wedding party. Not really our thing I don't think, I was excited about it, the more traditional aspects of it inspire me. Like my dad giving me away, and friends and family galore, my parents meeting my hubby's mother, my grandparents there and as many close friends as could make it. But the finances do put a bit of a damper on planning. Oh well...c'est la vie.
A-OK
Gotta love North Shore Hosp. They've a network where patients can sign in to make appointments, or change them, ask the staff medical questions, or check on lab results. I just did the last. Got the blood drawn yesterday, and the results today. Everything's in "normal" limits. Just need to get on track with the pre-natal vitamins, let go of the caffeine, and start exercising.
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