Why is it SO hard to decide if I want a third kid?

It's been a year+ since my loss and this time last year, I remember feeling distinctly panicked about my Hubs not willing to try for a third baby. But, a year+ of NTNPish and I dunno what I want anymore.
I adore the newborn stage and the idea of 3 kids is a delightful one. But, do I want to baby proof the house and spend big bucks on car seats that will fit our mini-SUV? Do I wanna deal with breastfeeding and 'first foods' and diapers and potty training? Do I wanna deal with late nights and early mornings?
I know myself well enough to know that I live with very little guilt, not because I got all my 'bucket list' items checked off, but because I see no point in regretful feelings if they don't encourage change for the better. Will this be one of the rare regrets in my life: not having a third baby? Or will it roll off my shoulders?
I had the treat of holding my co-worker darling 3 month old daughter. She's a adorable. Holding her perfectly portable form offered none of the clarity I so desperately desire.
We didn't set out to have a third baby, that pregnancy was unplanned, but still we fell in love with notion of '3 kids' and then it wasn't meant to be and I couldn't think of nothing but trying again in my grief path.
Back and forth between "yes, please, one more" and "we have two of each, we can stop". I've told Hubby if we haven't succeeded in some fashion before Jan 1st, 2020, that we would be permanently 'done'.
Some days the clarity is there, I know exactly what I want. Mostly I feel hopelessly desperate for outside influence. Somebody tell me what to do!