I had my first miscarriage this past weekend. It started Thursday afternoon. I didn't catch it right away because I was wearing black underwear. But, eventually with the repeat bathroom trips, I noticed that I was spotting. The blood was light brown, I thought it was a repeat of an occurrence a month earlier. But as afternoon wore on to evening the blood began turning brighter red, until it looked as if I was beginning my period. But no pain.
Friday morning arrives with heavier bleeding, same dark red color, and a very dull pain. I ask my husband to stay home fearing I might actually miscarry and might need him. I call my midwives' office and describe my symptoms; I'm told to get lots of fluids and rest. I do. The symptoms continue. The day wears on without much change, until the evening. I'm starting to really feel some cramping and an odd sensation that makes me think I have a bladder infection, surely the bleeding is unrelated.  I get ready for bed with a lighter heart, feeling convinced this is a bladder infection and the ultrasound I got scheduled to Saturday morning will show where the blood is coming from and the seriousness of it. But, as I lay down, at my husband's request the pain is intensifying and starting to come in waves. Nope, it's not an infection, I remember this sensation. This feels like labor, complete with back labor. The "bladder infection" sensation was a sort of transition.
I'm miscarrying. How...why? My first pregnancy was normal. This shouldn't be happening.
I thought I wouldn't get much sleep that night. I rested on my back, it provided the most comfort. The pain started to recede...because of my position or it was nearly over, I don't know. But I do fall asleep. I'm awoken but my firstborn. I got to get her. I'm lifting her up out of her crib, intended to bring her back to mine, when I feel a big "something" pass. I hand her over to my husband and go to the bathroom to take a look. It's a clot. As I'm investigating the "something", another "something" passes into the toilet.
I don't have the nerve to look. Should I have looked? Did I do it a disservice?
I get back to bed, tend to my daughter, tend to my husband, try to get some sleep. Fast forward, I'm at my midwives' office. I'm on the exam table, I'm being scanned. There's no heartbeat; I didn't expect one.  Backtrack to Wednesday, I just finished a round of antibiotics for a non-pregnancy issue. I break out in hives. Lying on the exam table, I'm convinced that the allergic reaction caused the miscarriage.
I did this. I killed our dream. I ended its life.
No. No, the ultrasound tech is measuring the gestational sac. 8 weeks and I don't remember how many days ( I'll check back later); Saturday (9/22) I would have measured 11 weeks.
I didn't end its life. It was meant to be. I had a missed miscarriage.
I had a follow-up appointment today (9/24). I thought it was for questions, primarily. I knew that the gestational sac was still inside, resting on the cervix. I knew a D&C was possibly in my future. That scared me, I was under the impression that I would be put under for the procedure and that there are risks involved.
My midwife was indisposed, the midwife that was suppose to see me looked at my ultrasound and determined a doctor was necessary instead. He informed me about the possibility of a D&C and then did a vaginal exam. I was fortunate to have the gestational sac within "reach". He extracted it and believes he got it all. That was an ordeal and he said I did well. He wants me back for a follow-up ultrasound and I'm on 2 medications. One to help my uterus contract, the other an antibiotic.
For all the turmoil before and during the event, I'm reasonably calm. I find my mood is fluctuating; momentarily weepy, then calm and back again.